Friday, January 1, 2016

Where Shall we go in 2016?

Last sun of 2015
Wherever it is, I am grateful for those who accompany on my way. Each and every one in all your shapes and guises. 

I left 2015 in a happy contemplative mood. After overcoming my apathy on Wednesday, I partied happily with the staff of the Cultural Development Foundation at our Christmas Party and was reminded how good it is to just let go and dance :) and on New Year’s Eve I knew I wanted to just reflect and renew. As I look back over the recent past I’m inspired by so much that has come from circumstances that most people determine should be ‘very difficult’ for me. But  that is not the heart of what they are. They are inspiring. And I’d like to briefly talk about one of them, the death of my Dad, Pa Clark.

On 24th September in the early hours of the morning, I watched my Dad take his last breaths on this earth. The sense of relief for me and my sister who was with him too, was palpable; he had been blessed to depart without too much struggle and as he wished, without ‘becoming a burden’. We had all managed to spend the last days with him, though he was immersed in a world of delirium where we witnessed his ceaseless deep concern to be doing the right thing, not inconveniencing people, making sure his work was done well as he apologized in French for apparently being in the wrong seat on a train, asked for help to pick up piles of files that had scattered on the floor, assured unknown people he’d be ‘with you in a minute’. And then he’d look up and chuckle. He never revealed what made him laugh, but each time, we found ourselves laughing softly with him, happy to know somewhere inside he still had that mischievous humour alive and well. He didn’t really express knowing who we were, but we knew that somewhere he did. 

The hardest thing about losing him is all the things we didn’t do. And it makes me think even more about all the things we didn’t do, couldn’t do, with our Mum because she died so long ago and our lives as kids were affected by her struggle with alcoholism. It also makes me think of all that we did, despite all that we didn’t have and all that our family faced over the years, our parents managed to create some amazingly wonderful times for us. I’m carried along on a journey that raises every type of emotion and as I travel through it, I can contemplate again, the highs, the days that faded into haze and the low days of anger and frustrations, but accompanied by the loss, and illustrated by the warmth of people sharing their memories of Pa Clark, JC, Geoff and how he touched their lives, what I’m finding is that all together, this part of the journey is turning out to be, well, odd as it may sound, quite wonderful. As I let each memory, mine, or someone else’s shared, float up and surround me, I find myself opening up to it, knowing that I can let it be something more than just a happy or sad memory, it can be something that inspires me and fuels me on and up to be, to do, to see, to feel. To live.

I wish everyone who reads this, a fulfilling journey through 2016. A year where we find we can be ourselves without requiring others to be like us, but without compromising the things we deeply believe in and that we can enjoy them being who they are just as well. May we find a path that takes us on adventure, may we be led through temptation to emerge to a better place, a place where we want less without it needing us to have more. And may we cry soulfully and laugh till our bellies hurt, be peaceful without fear, love openly, give without reserve and receive with humble gratitude. And may we be glad to be alive.
Good morning 2016