Monday, April 19, 2010

Hidden Gifts and Unintended Beauty

I’m here at 1:53 am unable to sleep, so I am writing a second post in several hours and this one is nothing if not unusual.

This is a very personal post and although I know it will by necessity, remain cryptic, I feel I have to try to express what I am experiencing So please bear with me, and I hope my posting brings to you some measure of the kind of peace and understanding I have been blessed with through this whole, whatever it is.

Recently, so much has been going on in my life and the lives of a number of the people around me, close to me, and this early morning, well, I hardly know what to say about it.

I’m not the most naive of people, but I am, despite myself, pretty trusting. This of course, leads now and then to my being ‘taken’, since try as we might to surround ourselves with people who have a good spirit and at the same time, be good spirits ourselves, there just are people out there who, well, have their own twisted agenda, needs or feelings. As I contemplate my place in the dim light of where I have been taken to, I know I am not alone in this ‘unfortunate’ corner; not now and not at any time.

The level of invasion of my privacy that some unknown stranger has taken it upon themselves to undertake has left me almost…almost speechless. I am left dumbfounded, unsure of things I was already unsure of. I have had my head whipped round and my eyes forced to focus on the potential for harm that could be done by an unscrupulous person or persons and my own foolish actions.

And at the same time I am left with understanding, care, respect and deep abiding love for and from someone I have just spent the last two hours talking to. Despite the antagonist’s worst efforts. It makes me quote myself “be careful what you wish for” the result is hardly ever going to be what you intended.

I don’t know if my business or the business of others is going to be put out there for people to see – it may be and if it is, well, there certainly isn’t anything I can do about it now, except maybe write this post. And I know that in writing this I am in some way exposing myself…now you all know I did something stupid. So? I hope you still enjoy my company and that you neither want nor need to know what it was.

I know I have been blessed in this all, to be understood and to be loved and forgiven by people who mean the world to me and that is what is so important about me writing this post. I truly can’t explain it. I know the old biblical concept of an angel was someone, a pretty rough soul, sent to force a person to face up to themselves and make a necessary change.

So maybe I’ve been visited by an angel. Well I can say that I have not enjoyed the actual visit so far and I am not sure that it is over; but for the hidden gifts now revealed, I have no option but to be eternally and deeply grateful.

Go figure.

People, live truly, be free and be real. Be forgiving; not everyone is honest, but everyone is human and in these moments we may find unintended beauty.

Yours truly, Fifi.